Love Made Me Do It Read online

  Copyright 2014

  By Tamekia Nicole Johnson

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests email; [email protected]

  My book is dedicated to my Parents:

  James Latour Johnson & Rhonda Anne Payne-Dugan

  &

  Grandparents:

  William Henry Payne & Betty Jean Payne

  Clarence Benjamin Alexander & Dora Mae McLemore

  In loving memory of my father James Latour Johnson, how I wish I could move back the hands of time…just to tell you not to worry about me, and that I finally found my way. Daddy, had I known then, what I know now…I wouldn’t have allowed anyone to take me away from those who loved me the most. You needed me, and I failed you. I write this book in your honor, hoping to show other women, that no man comes before family. Continue resting in eternal peace.

  Paying Homage…

  The very first book I ever wrote was when I was in the 3rd grade, that book was entitled “My mother is a race car driver,” I’ll never forget how impressed my teacher was and how elated her praises made me feel. I have carried that feeling with me for over 20 years and early on I realized that I had the ability to move people thru my words. This experience has been eye opening and overwhelmingly joyful and has allowed me to become yet more aware of the woman I was and the woman that I am still striving to be.

  I am by no means an expert on love, drugs, or prison but I am an expert on how to survive and to get out of your own way so that the pain doesn’t become unnecessary suffering. There is a tremendous difference. You cannot control the pain that comes in your life. You can control how long that pain effects your life. There are so many people along the way that have helped make my dreams possible and supported my decision to tell my story. For those people I am truly thankful, because you gave me strength on those days when I questioned my own existence and could not find anything to be happy about.

  Words could never fully express the gratitude I have for people believing in me and me genuine love. I have carried many fears with me along the way and thru my writing I have learned, that I am not alone in the fear of never being truly loved, being addicted to drugs, being a victim of domestic violence and fighting to just feel normal. Thru my addictions there has been that one invisible force that carried me and kept me from death and that is God. I prayed to him many, many nights. Some prayers were answered and some were not. Now, I know why some weren’t.

  To my mother who never once turned her back, even when she should have, also has my eternal gratitude. The love we share is special. Without you, I could have very well been dead. Thank you for supporting me both emotionally and financially. Thank you for convincing me that I am worthy. To both of my grandmothers, thank you for taking me in when I was using and abusing everyone and everything around me. I thank you. To my sisters and brothers thank you for allowing me to be the little sister. When I should have been the big sister and couldn’t. I apologize for not showing you a better way to live. To my Uncle Ronald Alexander thank you for being a father figure. As well as, my friend, my confidant and for fighting battles that I should have been fighting myself. To my Aunt Carol Simmons-Johnson I appreciate every talk we had and every piece of advice you have ever given me.

  I have so many wonderful friends that have played a pivotal role in my transformation from victim to survivor. I appreciate you in ways that bring tears to my eyes. To the following people: thank you for loving me, guiding me, giving me tough love, allowing me to cry on your shoulder, and turning from friends to family. Your loyalty cannot be surpassed… Marlana Williams, Roma Marie Young, Takesha Polk, Mayalia Barries, Teekie –Shalanna Scott, Eddi P, Marlon Lewis, Rahsaan Ferguson, Greg Wright, Chris Johnson, Jana Hierl, Stevenson Fisher, Charla Peterson, and Mary Moran. A very special Thank You to Cindy Mendonca, without your laptop this project would have been seriously delayed. Thank you for helping me, finish this. You have become an amazing friend to me. As well as a special thank you to LeGrecia Parker, for your help with my “Sip & Sign,” book signing party.

  There are also two very special bosses in my life that believed in me and gave me second chances; Steve Pirotta and Cindy Robins, thank you for being much more than the people who signed my paychecks. You believed in me and allowed me to improve my work ethics.

  I picked up a few folks along the way that also had a creative part in this process. Or gave me a platform to tell my story; Dimitri Jenkins, Erk tha Jerk, Urban Rock Tee Shirt, Lyvell James of “Chabot College Radio Station,” Leon DNas Sykes of “The Streets is Talkin’” Radio Show, Eltonette Harris– “World Wide Women’s Group -Her Story.”

  Also, to my followers via social media who have… hit the like button, double tapped, retweeted, or in-boxed me your support has also been pivotal in my journey. I appreciate everyone whether your name is above or not, your support has been a significant factor in my life as well.

  This book will be amazing because that is my destiny. I hope that you enjoy every page and you are inspired to: “Create a Life Worth Living.”

  This photo was taken during, my very first interview with Lyvell James (Chabot College Radio Station) and one of my graphic designers Dimitri Jenkins; both of them have played an enormous role in the success of my book. I was so nervous but Lyvell made me feel right at home. Then I look out into the lobby and I saw that Dimitri had come to support me. Over these last few months, Dimitri has played a huge role in a lot of creative decisions. As well as he has become a good friend, that makes me smile on days that I am overwhelmed. I am very thankful to have them both in my life.

  This photo was taken during, my second interview on the show, “The Streets Is Talking,” with DNas. I reached out to him on social media regarding appearing on his show and he showed me nothing but love. He did advise me that he generally only featured musicians on his show, but when I sent him the reason behind my request and shared some of my story he was more than willing to help. I am very appreciative of the connections I have made, that turned into friendships.

  There is a lot to be said about Erk Tha Jerk. This photo was taken the first day that I met him. He was appearing on the same radio show that I was. I remember being so nervous, that I spilled a glass of water all over the counter. He is an amazing artist. I was very fortunate to be able to work with him. He captured exactly what was needed in all of my photo shoots. In my opinion his artistry and creativity have yet to be surpassed. Erk’s artistry reaches beyond the scope of being a rapper or a photographer. He is an artist in every aspect of the word. I am thankful for the opportunity, to have worked with someone whose passion inspires me.

  Foreword

  She is Ne Plus Ultra (perfection: the highest level of excellence, or something that reaches it.) I am not humbled by anything except my children and parents. I am in great gratitude to her. I wish to one day see her spirit grow to the size of a universe.

  Pierre Goldstein

  Time Only Gets Better From Here

  Just when you think all is cursed

  And your spirit feels like it’s part of the earth

  Someone has a hold of you heart, mind, body and soul

  Such an icy grip that your world turns cold

  You forget who loves you, and those who cared

  We always called to remind you that the love was still there

  To be afraid to leave him to us…. this was untrue, unreal

  We had no id
ea you lost control

  At loves wheel

  There was no way this man could love you more than we do

  We would never send you anywhere, with your eye black and blue

  But no tellin’ what love will make you do

  It might even make you sit down a year or two

  To really reflect on what you had REALLY been through

  Time to think… gave you time to grow

  The way you smile now, no one would ever know

  The pain that you suffered from…

  Instead you inform them….that it only gets better from here

  Time only gets better from here

  Jasmine Marie Johnson

  I knew that I had to tell my story. In hope of saving someone else’s life.

  LOVE MADE ME DO IT

  BY

  MS. TAMEKIA NICOLE

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  CH.1 Love at First Sight PG 1

  CH.2 After, the Smoke Cleared PG 17

  CH.3 Battle of the Exes PG 25

  CH.4 Time to Pack PG 34

  CH.5 Arizona PG 46

  CH.6 Going Back to Cali PG 55

  CH.7 Oh…She Lives Here Now? PG 59

  CH.8 A Brand New Year PG 66

  CH.9 Getting Back to Him PG 71

  CH.10 The Roommate PG 77

  CH.11 Neighbors PG 83

  CH.12 Love Thy Neighbor, Like You Love Thy Self PG 88

  CH.13 Juggling Acts PG 93

  CH.14 Life Was Good PG 103

  CH.15 Drugs & Love PG 108

  CH.16 Too Much Time On Our Hands PG 113

  CH.17 It’s All About Drugs PG 122

  CH.18 Back to Work PG 130

  CH.19 Moving Around PG 136

  CH.20 Now What? PG 143

  CH 21 Moving On PG 151

  CH.22 I Only Know That This is Hell PG 161

  CH.23 Big Mama’s Day Care PG 169

  CH.24 He Moved PG 173

  CH.25 Surprises PG 181

  CH.26 Transients PG 195

  CH.27 Jail Time PG 206

  CH.28 Dope Dealers PG 212

  CH.29 Vegas PG 220

  CH.30 In-Laws PG 236

  CH.31 Clark County Detention Center PG 247

  CH.32 Rehab PG 262

  CH.33 Battling Demons PG 271

  CH.34 On the Run PG 283

  CH.35 The Fish Tank PG 304

  CH.36 The Rules PG 320

  CH.37 The Butterfly Doors PG 331

  CH.38 The Aftermath PG 337

  CH.39 Home Sweet Home PG 348

  A letter to myself PG 356

  Domestic Violence Awareness PG 359

  Chapter 1

  LOVE AT FIRT SIGHT

  I’ll never forget the night that I fell in love. There is just something wonderful about being in love. I was not prepared to experience love at first site. This night was like no other, I met the man that I would spend the next 10 years with. Go to the bottom with, but never make it to the top with. I would be shown the depths of hell, and realize the limits that love should have.

  We met on October 22nd 1999. I loved him instantly, smitten by his charm, and his sarcastic sense of humor. But at that time I didn't know what I would be sacrificing. I didn't know that my freedom, sanity, and my life would be put on the line. Willingly, I put him before all others. There was no forewarning that our ideas of love were polar opposites. Looking back I believe that it was all worth it, if I save someone else from making similar mistakes. Allow my story to give you not only a choice but a voice... I lived thru the abuse, the drugs, the incarceration and the ultimate betrayal. Initially, I wanted to experience the greatest love of my life. However, I experienced something much better. I learned how to survive and keep going.

  Our 1st encounter was a little out of the ordinary. I was practicing for my driver’s license test, with a friend of mine. But we took a detour. This detour delivered me to my lovers door step. His brother answered the door, invited us to come in and make ourselves comfortable. His brother disappeared into a back room. I overheard him say, “Blood, wake-up there is some fine light skin girl in the living room with an S Curl.” I tried hard not to laugh. I was curious to see who would come out of the back room.

  What an entrance he made. He was tall and handsome with a big smile plastered on his face. He looked me up and down. Then looked at the engagement ring on my finger and started laughing. He started singing…. “Engage me baby, crescent jeweler baby.” “Whoever gave you that ring should be ashamed of their self.” I tried not to laugh, as I glanced down at my hand. He was right my fiancé should have been ashamed of his self. For many reasons not just the size of my ring. He broke the ice with his jokes and he had my attention.

  We mingled; me and him and his brother and my girlfriend. We laughed, drank and talked shit. I was young, wild and carefree, and open to any possibility that could bring happiness. We moved into the dining room and played dominoes. I sat across from him and I remember being nervous. He never took his eyes off of me. Usually, I am never nervous and very clever, with plenty to say. I kept trying to search for the right words. So I blurted out, “This isn’t an S Curl by the way.”

  Right at that moment no-one else seemed to be in the room. That must be the moment I fell in love. He laughed at my outburst. We joked like we knew each other for years. That familiarity pulled me in and turned me on. It seemed like we sat there forever. Flirting & laughing. I wanted to touch him. Our feet kept touching under the table making me wonder if his skin was soft. There was definitely sexual chemistry in the air. With no warning, I slid my foot up his pant leg. His skin felt soft. He looked surprised at how forward I was. I just smiled and kept on playing.

  I’ve always been the type to get my way. I’ve always been the type to seek instant gratification, tonight was no different. I had no concerns or desire to go home. My only desire was to kiss him and feel his body next to mine. As the night carried on, he made it clear that he desired the same from me.

  I followed him into his bedroom. He kissed me and held me. I moaned and kissed him back. When our lips parted I asked him a simple question. “Do you practice safe sex?” “Yeah” “Well let’s practice some.” My lover pleased me. The sexual gratification was overwhelming at first. My body had never experience multiple orgasms. My fiancé had never made me feel like this. I knew that this was more than just a one night stand. Chemistry has an ability to change lives and I wanted it to change mine. I had every intention on being with him. Unfortunately, I still had some other unfinished business to tend to. My fiancé.

  I left my lovers place in the wee hours of the morning. I could barely talk. All I could do was giggle. During the drive back to my house, panic started to kick in. I had some serious explaining to do as to where I had been. I was relieved to see that no one was home. I saw a note on the fridge “I stepped out, don’t wait up.” Which wasn’t unusual, at least he left a note this time.

  So my girlfriend and I relished in our escapades of the night before. As apprehensive as I was to share, I did what we all do with our friends. I dished the details. In great detail I told her how many times, he made me say yes please. I told her that I begged him not to stop and he complied.

  My heart pounded as I retold my conquest. She was hanging on my every word. So was my fiancé. When I finished my story he exposed his hiding place. My pantry door slid open. My fiancé, was toting his bible, and smoking a Newport. There was a deadly silence in the room. There was nothing that I could say, that would make this situation better. I was exposed. My girlfriend lunged for the door. He stopped her and made her sit down. He grabbed me and threw me down. I knew better than to get back up. There would be no point I was powerless against him.

  My fiancé stayed quiet for a moment. Before he demanded that we take him to the liquor store. He drank until he passed out. The coast was clear. My girlfriend was free to leave and so was I. I stepped over my fiancé’s limp body and dialed my lover’s number. I need him to come and get me before round two started.


  I jumped in his car. I didn’t even look back. I slid down in the passenger seat, terrified that my fiancé would see us. No words were spoken on the drive back to his house. I was at a loss for words. Thankfully it was a short ride to my lover’s house. The look on my face must have spoken volumes. “You can lie down if you want.” “You look exhausted.” I smiled and nodded. He snuggled up next to me. I readjusted my position so that I could lie on his chest. I felt so safe in his arms. I inhaled. This felt right. This is where I wanted to be.

  I loved the way he felt, and the way he smelled. How his bottom lip was tucked under his top lip ever so slightly. He slept and I tried to sleep. I had too many things on my mind. Then I gave up and just watched him. It was serene. I needed that serenity.

  I woke him up a few hours later and asked him to take me home. I could tell that he didn’t want to. I didn’t want to leave him. But I needed to go home and deal with my fiancé. Unlocking my front door was terrifying. Especially, since I had no idea what would be on the other side.

  My fiancé was wide awake. He looked at me with so much disgust. The anger that was on his face paralyzed me. He bombarded me with questions, “Is he bigger than me?” “Did you like it?” “Did you kiss him?” “Did you suck his dick?” I tried to remain silent. How was I supposed to answer those questions? This was too much.

  I know I was wrong. But I was also aware that our relationship was not perfect. He continued to drill me. Finally I gave in. “Yes, he made me climb the walls!” “That’s what you wanted to hear right?” “He has everything you don’t have.” “Now leave me alone before I really hurt your feelings.”

  My fiancé started to cry. So I shut up. I said enough. The damage was done. Although I was at fault, I would not allow him to continue this physical and verbal abuse. Finally, he stopped talking. My house had become a war zone. I was walking on egg shells around him. Too scared to talk to him or even look in his direction. I knew that if I said the wrong word. He would hurt me. The days and nights flew by. I hadn’t had one opportunity to talk to my lover. That was killing me.